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POPSAlleged Underwear Bomber: 'it was a mix-up in the laundry' Abdulmutallab comes from a prosperous Nigerian banking family, who live on $12 a day, four times the national average. Family members are used to having maids and other servants do the laundry in exchange for roots and berries. 'My underwear goes out, my underwear comes back', Abdulmutallab said. 'My cousin, his nephew, and his other brother and other nephew were all staying at the house. One of them was probably going to blow up a public urinal or a pay phone or something, and I got the explosive underwear by accident.' While investigations continue, Abdulmutallab is complaining about his nick-names. 'Some are calling me 'the Underbomber', 'Suicide Fart', or 'Lightning Pants', he said. 'Some even call me 'Fizzle Dick'. These prison names are awful. But at least the inmates keep away from me in the showers. I even dropped my bar of soap several times without incident.'
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POPSWoman In Red Miniskirt Knocks Down Pope Benedict XVI Saltarello has a history of mostly assaulting soccer players while they are showering in the dressing room. Saltarello was recently released from jail after serving seven months for fondling one of the players on Italy's National Soccer Team. The player requested that his name not be used. We will only say that his name rhymes with Xalberto Xpignola number X16. A woman who was standing just about three feet from where the Pope fell to the basilica floor said she clearly heard the Pope yell in broken Latin, "Ipso veni vidi vici ad hoc facto boof" which roughly translated means, "Hey what the hell is wrong with that dumb stupid bitch." Another parishioner who gave her name as Sophia Drezzalini-Collingsworth said that she saw three of the Pope's security guards fire at least 29 shots into the unidentified woman. The Pope was helped to his feet, while the woman was dragged by her ankles to a waiting garbage truck.
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POPSTiger Woods to be Deployed to Afghanistan Asked by one reporter how building golf courses would contribute towards US counterinsurgency strategy, Woods replied: 'It's about winning hearts and minds and connecting with the people. Most of the Taliban are not fighting for ideology, but out of sheer boredom. I believe the spiritual and healing qualities of golf can succeed where bullets and tanks have not. '
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POPSToy Company introduces the 'Doll in a Burka' for Iranian export! We also included a removable plastic brain, since our friends in Iran like women that have that feature." They has also added new accessories for their Doll in a Burka line up...A pink suicide bomber vest! A jewel encrusted dagger, and an internal recording that shouts in Farsi.."Down with America!" "Next, for the anniversay of the Iranian Islamic Revolution, we'll be adding the Jimmy Carter doll complete with an array of sharp pins!" Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told friends he was buying three to bring back home from New York City. Since he only has two daughters, speculation is that he wanted one for himself, since he often talked about 'peek-a-booing up a burka' as a source of getting turned on.
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POPSTiger: 'I have blue balls' 'They all know me already. And if you watch the news, you know they blab their heads off.' "People saying I'm oversexed are just plain jealous and or racist."
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POPSAl Gore Goes From "Save The Whales" To "Join The Whales"
"I've finished on one mountain and starting on the second one. We've also got trees planted in Brazil and small gardens planted all over Central America, but I admit that I'm a little behind", he joked as only Al Gore can. "Butt I should be able to catch up by doubling up on the tree planting." Gore said he has made contacts all over the world in his new venture and even helped a family in Afghanistan. "They were growing poppies to sell for opium because they needed the income to feed their families. I suggested that they grow food instead of poppies to begin with and it was like a light bulb...the new fluorescent ones of course, went off in the farmer's head." Gore said the organizing of the new "Join The Whales" will begin this weekend at his home in east Tennessee. "We've got a big room here at the house that five of us can easily fit into." Gore went on to say that himself and Tipper take special pills to cut down on the flatulence, "Our effort to cut down on Global
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POPSUK Woman with Persistant Sexual Arousal Syndrome Hired as Cigar Humidor at Clinton Presidential Libr Clinton, an avid cigar aficionado since puberty, claims to have 50% of the production of the famous Colribas, only 4,000 which were made, and sell for $18,846 a box of 40, or $471.15 a piece. Another rare cigar is "His Majesty's Reserve" infused with Louis XIII Cognac, at $750 a piece, and Clinton is said to have over 1500 of those, including some butts that are only half smoked that he saves 'for sentimental reasons' according to a library spokesman. His wife Hillary, will sample her cigar during a private ceremonial service for former childhood friend and adult confidant, Vince Foster during which the former first lady also celebrates the fact she didn't go to jail over the Whitewater Scandal. The unknown UK woman is said to be beside herself with ectasy over the appointment saying her biggest problem will be "not getting off in the plane when it's half way to the colonies!"
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POPSSwiss and Muslims compromise For many years the major Swiss export import has been unemployment. The number of immigrants allowed in depends solely on the requirement for waiters and chamber maids. However, there may be some light at the end of the tunnel because Paul-Andre Guex representative for the Canton of Vaud and keen ornithologist has suggested that any Minarets built from now on should be embellished in a rather unconventional yet possibly more acceptable way. "It is well-known that the only thing we ever invented in this country was a couple of Type Faces nobody uses and the Cuckoo Clock. I have proposed to the Berne Government that problems could be avoided if all Minaret domes were in the form of Chalet-shaped Cuckoo Clocks or weather indicators instead of looking like oriental lollipops. "Here in Switzerland we have a bird called the wall creeper which has a call that sounds exactly like "Allahu Akbah", we could put them in the clocks so the Imams could call the faithful to prayer as they usu
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POPSUFO lands at Buckingham Palace "How about Prince Phillip?" Asked the lead alien, "We have roses!" Sir Anthony replied, "Yes, he loves roses! I believe he's still sleeping. Perhaps you'd like to surprise him?"
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POPSFort Hood 'ticking timebomb' shooter Major Abu Nidal remains in under armed guard and in a coma amid the FBI probe into the killing of 13 and the wounding of 31 at the US army base. On Sunday an ashen-faced and paranoid-looking ex-President Bush toured the camp, muttering incoherently and barking orders as if he was still in charge. General Colon Bowel is on a phishing trip somewhere near the Azores.
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POPSRadical Islamist to Lead Unprecedented March Mr Griffin also hailed the development, saying, "this move by the Pak.. I mean the radical Islamists demonstrates that the BNP is now the right choice for Britain's idiots. We stand now as a mainstream Party, offering the opportunity of quality multicultural unfairness to all Britain's morons. As part of the move the BNP's Constitution is to be reviewed to bring it more in line with the teachings of radical Islam. References to 'ragheads' and other potentially Islamic slights are to be removed, with greater emphasis placed instead on the disempowerment of woman. However, both men said they were in agreement that any bits about being Jewish could stay in place. Reports that the cleric intends to stand for Parliament remain unconfirmed.
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POPS'Intoxicated' pilots flail to land A statement released by the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) said: "The crew told us 'isheh thehshs ussshe, ehhhh?'. We are hoping to get more from them after they dry out."
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POPSHannibal Lecter's plan endorsed by Obama President Obama had not released any details of his proposal, a proposal that many feared would have ended up under review by the Supreme Court, as it would seem to violate the entirety of the U.S. Constitution, not to mention being what he had campaigned against. That's when Dr. Lecter came out of his self-imposed seclusion to lend a hand. "If you simply bring me the detainees, I will house them in my secure basement facility, as many as I can accomodate, and distribute such that I cannot to...let us say...like-minded associates with proven experience in confinement methodologies.", said Dr. Lecter in a memorandum submitted to the White House yesterday. The "associates" the doctor refers to are believed to be a well trained and experienced group of psychopathic serial killers, who's basements have already been modified in a manner that would make a SuperMax seem like a child's playpen. Initial reaction was favorable, especially amongst Corrections officers from Leavenworth to Si
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POPSAl-Qaeda Want Our Oxfam Shops "Without this education, many are committing suicide because they see no future for themselves", he sighed. "I'm sure you'll all agree this is a global tragedy and your money will help bring it to an end", he concluded. Many thanks...
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POPSfar right leader Geert Wilders stuffs UK and enters legally, Sieg Heil! Geert is determined to prove he is not a racist or Islamaphobic and that he just hates the thought of Islam and Muslims taking over the "Master Races"! He only wants Holland to be Dutch, Germany to be German, France to be French, etc, and the UK not to be an American Colony! (too late, oops!) Anyway Geert and his SS are busy preparing for the invasion of the Isle of Man claiming the Dutch discovered it long before the Manx Cat and want's it back! The Isle of Man will then become a Muslim no-go zone (yes!!!!), a true celtic state, fly the flag of Oranje (pissing the catholics off in Northern Ireland!) and Margaret Thatcher will become the new Prime Minister holding hands with Mijnheer Geert Wilders over a "lekker kopje hollandse koffie en weed cake" (translation = nice cup of Dutch coffee and a piece of real Dutch "weed" cake!)! "Tot Ziens and see you in the UK" Geert smiled!
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POPSSalman Rushdie should have got a prostitute' Last week, in her first interview since the split, a furious Pia accused Rushdie of being ‘cowardly, dysfunctional and immature’. Far from her being the one who made all the running in the relationship, it was Rushdie who pursued her for more than a year, she insisted. But once they had become lovers, she claimed, the great novelist showed little real interest in her, apart from sex and parading her around in public as a trophy girlfriend. She says he was also obsessed with his fourth wife, the beautiful Indian-American model and TV presenter Padma Lakshmi – and would begin the day by putting his own name into Google, the internet search engine, to see what had been written about him. Self obsessed little bollocks!
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POPSGeldof Sick of Scroungers I asked Sir bob if he had felt like this for so long why he had organised Live 8, he replied "its like when your partner always asks you to do something, the washing up say, you finally do it but do a really bad job and then hopefully you'll never be asked to do it again, that's why I hired Ricky Gervais, Madonna and let U2 release some doves I knew it was shite its what I wanted!" So another 1st: I finally uncover the real reason Live 8 was so shockingly bad. Geldof says, " To be quite honest, people like me and Bono etc. are just a bunch of self-serving fuckin' Irish gits, talking total shite and lining our pockets in the process".
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POPSMichelle Omama and the secret Masonic symbols The swirling cellulite indentations revealed a complex code of Masonic symbols dating back to 1773 and showed various connections between the Freemasons, slavery, Michael Jackson's death, and a previously unrecorded landing of UFO's in pre-1865 Harlem! Author Dan Brown, falsely accused of selling a mish-mash theory, says he's felt vindicated by the news and cannot wait to see the photographic results showing the large ass-print. "Who knows, maybe there's a treasure map there too!"
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POPSTaliban Celebration Day For his innovative and courageous efforts, Al Boutmoub was awarded the prestigious Osama Medal consisting of two camels under a star and crescent moon. When asked about the meaning of the representations inscribed on the medal, no one actually knew, but one Taliban official claimed the 'Sheik' designed it by writing it in the sand with his urine stream.
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POPSObama College Transcripts Leaked Another interesting course taken was Urination: Theory and Practice. The intellectual stimulating course taught Mr. Obama everything about urination from beginning to end. He was really hoping information about this course would never 'leak' out. Mr. Obama's most demanding course was Dictators and Democracy 401. In this course the future president learned to jut his jaw like Mussolini and to bow down to Saudi kings. He also got an A in this course. The president plans to take some post-graduate courses at Columbia after his term expires. He plans to take Speaking Without A TelePrompter 501, although he doesn't expect to pass it without a lot of work. President Obama also received an A+ in Clogdancing and a B in Origami.
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POPSObama Plan, Nation's Sick To Be Transferred to "Health Camps" Radical, experimental medical "procedures" would be made readily available as a means of attaining a final solution to a patient's problem, while also furthering the canon of medical knowledge for the doctors. The camps would also feature ample opportunity for physical activity outdoors, very condensed sleeping quarters to allow patrons to more closely interact with one another, and even luxurious "day-spas." These spas would let clients relax in an enclosed, private environment and breathe in the therapeutic mists which aromatically pervade the room. All of this to be enjoyed wearing nothing but a towel and with mud on your face. "It's a gas," said Obama of the spa facilities.
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POPSMadonna Gandhi visits Calcutta 'Princess Di, me, Princess Di, even Princess Di did it, but I'm not doing it any more. That's why I'm here, doing good for children rather than getting myself in the news for buying another African kid.' Many were impressed by Gandhi's actions, including the Pope, and he had this to say about the Madonna: 'If it wasn't for the Church banning contraception, there would be no African children up for adoption. Luckily Madonna is now doing practical things to help children, rather than taking one or two out of their safe environments, and turning them into a freak show in America.'
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POPSAmy Winehouse Claims She's Got A Bug Up Her Ass "She then went on and on about the Police in Britain and DC with all these secret microphones really small but I refused when she told me to scream into her ass so it would cause the listener to go deaf." "Why don't you just cut a big fart?', I asked and she said she tried but the bug kept her cheeks too far apart. I had to turn my head and laugh." Winehouse then reportedly wanted to show Waterhouse her ass to see if the FBI had planted "a bug up her wazzo!" because it had felt odd for days. Then, according to Waterhouse, she claimed they might be related because of their last names, Winehouse and Waterhouse. Mrs. Waterhouse said she told her they could be and tried to be nice. "I couldn't help asking her about the fact that she might have been probed by aliens", laughed Waterhouse. "I'm an old fart, you know that?"
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POPSDavid Beckham Admits He's A Hermaphrodite In the more free-thinking US, where Beckham plays for LA Galaxy, rules are far more fluid, and it's common to see teams made up of men, women, children and animals taking the field of play. Beckham's wife, Victoria, is expected to make a statement about her own Hermaphroditic state next week. She doesn't like being left out of anything.
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POPSObama Speaks: US Commits Collective Suicide The few talking heads left alive agree that the actions of the President were reprehensible. "Any right thinking, God fearing American," they opined, "Would do exactly as these brave parents have done. Enough is enough. The creep of insidious left-wing liberal commie sympathizers into all areas of our lives must be stopped by any means necessary." Sarah Palin was reported to be on a hunting trip..shooting moose, bears and environmentally threatened frogs and could not be reached for comment. From wherever he currently finds himself, Joseph McCarthy smiled.
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POPS12,937 Mexicans can't be wrong The Mexican tribute brought tears to the eyes of the Kennedy family who stood for hours in front of the Eternal Flame at the rest-home of Ted Kennedy's brother, John F. Kennedy, who remains dead in a grave at Arlington National Cemetery. ABSNN cameras recorded the Kennedy clan softly singing La Bamba as a US Army bugler played in the background. Bad taste satire
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POPSPoll: Gay Babies are Less Adorable Concern over being seen as a pedophile was a common thread in many of the responses. Douglas said, "I love babies." He quickly added "heterosexual babies. I don't love them love them; you know I love them like a father - a father who doesn't want to have sex with his children." When asked to clarify Douglas said, "like a heterosexual father, you know - no hugging and stuff like that." The five hundred participants were chosen at random from an email list. The list is comprised of people who receive a monthly newsletter from Focus on the Family. Many of the respondents listed the intuition of "just knowing" - as their primary means of identifying gay babies. There is still some doubt about the effectiveness of this technique when it comes to babies although it has been proven to work with adults. SATIRE
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POPSUN declare Afghan elections non-corrupt In response to these leaking accusations by Aljazeera Int. a UN spokesman, Yousaffa Ghadaffi Bin Laden (distant relation of the real one, by the way!) told their reporters: "We know that the Afghani elections are not f*****g corrupt, Infidels!" "How can they be corrupt, because there is no f*****g election, 99% of Afghanis can't even write a X on the ballot slips let alone know what the f**k an election is!" "No Ladies and gentlemen this is just a fata morgana, an excuse to ease the tensions in the US/UK." "Murder a couple of GI's and Brit soldiers, bomb the shit out of the Taliban and maintain the Status quo so global weapon's dealers can help get the world economy back on the rails!" The present Afghani president (a total nutter by the way!) dared to exit his Kabul palace, 50 metres from the door, rallied his supporters (all three of them!) in front of the worlds press and praised Obama from Allah, promised him a camel and a chopped off pickled Taliban head for his eno
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