0
POPSPolar Bears Pretty Much Fucked With the advent of a strange warming weather anomaly that is in no way attributable to human activity, polar bears are going the way of the dodo. Dependent on the Bush Administration doing something, anything at all, the bears are pretty much screwed beyond recognition. Officials have already said, "Fuck those dumbass bears, we ain't doing shit." Another official, who we swear is in no way accepting bucketfuls of filthy money from the oil industry, said that drilling and blasting and massive oil spills and assorted industrial waste and noise pollution couldn't have possibly affected the bears' habitat. "Hell no. Shout out to Citgo," the official concluded. President Bush has been skeptical of science. "I don't trust numbers. Or facts. Or conclusions. Or a method used to verify hypotheses. Or any kind of process," he said. He has rejected any attempt whatsoever to do anything remotely useful.
1
POPSNonsense Tricks the Gullible, Absolutely Nobody Surprised A kid who disappeared into the woods returned thinner than before. Big surprise. An even bigger surprise was the news that he lived for months without food, a claim so completely unverifiable that it must be true. Carrying a sword, he said, "Even Buddha had, like, a ninja star and a big Bowie knife and had to whup some ass like Chuck-Norris style." Then he shrugged his shoulders, blew his bangs away from his face, sat down in the forest and listened to The Cure. His followers say he is immune to both fire and snakebites. When contacted, fire responded, "I call bullshit." Snakebites at first offered, "No comment," but then said, "No, really, he thinks he's immune? I'll break him of that little illusion, just as meditation breaks us of the illusion of consciousness." Scientists were unable to examine the boy because they'd just ruin the whole fucking scam.
0
POPSUS Cites Strong "Evidence" in Favor of Creating New Quagmire in Iran The US government made strong, completely unsubstantiated claims in an attempt to exacerbate the Iranian situation in an ongoing effort fo screw us all and toss the neocons another bone to chew to shreds. Several Iranian provocateurs, who the US claimed were "looking at him wrong," were arrested and charged with nothing based on zero evidence. If these non-allegations turn out to be nonexistent, they carry a penalty of indefinite detention and periodic torture until the US gets bored. The US hopes to spark a years-long war in a Middle Eastern country that seems to go well at first but slowly degenerates into sectarian and religious conflict and bloody, bloody civil war. You know, another one. Well, another another one.
0
POPSRacist Jerkoffs Attempt Name Change, Continue to Act Like Racist Jerkoffs Racist jerkoffs continue the long history of American racist jerkoff-ism by hating on Mexicans and telling the same old racist jerkoff lies and generally acting like inbred shitheads without a sense of empathy or irony. For some reason racist groups have grown more popular as well as more radical since 9/11. This probably has nothing to do with the government exploiting fear and hatred and focusing it onto an easily-scapegoated Other, whether Muslims or Mexicans or other dark-skinned targets of racist jerkoffs.
8
POPSPentagon Restarting Mass Vaccinations. Manipulating data? Forced vaccination programs? Rejecting science? Putting our own at risk? Naaaa, they wouldn't do that.. I mean, we DO trust the US government, right? Whoah! Was that a flying pig I just saw?!?
0
POPSAfghans Don't Understand Nature of War When will the Afghans learn that all those civilians are dying in order to make it look like the terrorists are winning? How many people will throw themselves in the path of a NATO bomb just to make the coalition look bad? The trick is to be even more careless and brutal - that way there are fewer people left to complain.
2
POPSMyspace, with Help From Record Companies, To Suck Even More Record companies, angered at receiving free publicity from online personalities named after Dragonball Z characters or ICP members, have decided that people who wouldn't buy their music anyway are somehow losing them money. I guess it makes sense - after hearing most artists once, I have no desire whatsoever to hear them ever again. In related news, anyone playing their car stereo loud enough to be heard outside the vehicle must pay licensing fees to BMG, et. al.
0
POPSAfghan Women not Getting America's Point about Freedom Didn't Afghanistan get the memo? We've already given them freedom. Our job is finished. We came, we conquered, we drove the Taleban away, briefly. Now they're just swimming in freedom. It's not our fault that they can't do anything with it. This wasn't some pussy kind of practical freedom, this was abstract freedom pumped straight from Lady Liberty's jugular! Freedom to the max! Well, at least the women don't have anything to miss for when the Taleban retakes the country.
0
POPSPropaganda Tells the "Untold" Stories of Iraq - aka Lies Schools painted! "Terrorists" killed, redefined ex post facto! Fighting them over there so we don't have to fight thousands of nonexistent Iraqis over here! Saddam was bad, he actually used the chemical weapons we sold him! Domino effect, er, flypaper theory! Spreading democracy through cluster munitions! Not a civil war, in the same way that sour cream is not milk. Quick, look over there, gay civil unions!
0
POPSLost Action Figures Exacerbate Stunted Adolescence, Invoke Desire for Useless Trinkets No sign that these will be fully articulated, but breathtaking nevertheless. Todd McFarlane may not be able to craft a decent story to save his life, or draw anything approaching anatomical realism, but his toy company consistently produces quality figures. Say, that would make a great epitaph. They need to do some Season Two figures. Locke typing in the numbers would make a great scene.
3
POPSDemocrats Think of Semi-dirty Trick, Republicans Mad They Didn't Think of it First Oh no, they figured out a way to game the system. Link to one damning article from a non-partisan source? Noooo! How fiendish. Will the villainy of the morally bankrupt Google-bombers never cease? I'm positive that this will totally throw the election toward the Democrats, because everyone knows that exposure to even one paragraph of criticism will turn the hardiest Bush-supporter into a raving liberal. Giving negative information to voters? Why, that's downright uncivil. Republicans would only impugn the character of their opponents with lies, not some kind of non-partisan information piece.
2
POPSHope for the Future, More Brutal Wars to Follow Way to cover the bases for any future genocides. It's not as if precision weapons are precise, or vital in Iraq anyway. I suppose when you're on the ground in the dirt, the only thing to do is talk more shit about how much you're going to mess up the next guy that messes with you. I seem to remember something about belligerence and wars of aggression, but history fades away. Looks like the doctrine of Charles Portal lives on.
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