declares Gropewind. “I mean, it was absolutely perfect – a position of trust where you’d be above suspicion, lots of legitimate contact with the young and vulnerable and, best of all, the guarantee of a cover-up if things went pear-shaped! All you had to do was confess your supposed sins and say a few Hail Marys and you were away. The worst that could happen was that you’d be quietly shunted of to some remote parish in Wales, which is marginally preferable to jail.” With the introduction of more stringent criminal record checks, other traditional career paths for perverts and paedophiles – such as teaching and child care – have long since become unviable. “That was the beauty of the priesthood- they’d ordain anybody, no questions asked. All you had to do was say you believed in God, Mary was a virgin and that you didn’t want to get married,” he explains. “It’s getting to the stage where the only suitable jobs still open to us will be running ice cream vans or Punch and Judy shows.” Acc