Thanks Mona!

My biggest problem is that I was trying to preserve some of the resonance in the poem, which is originally rhymed. Although I'm not a stickler about it, I wanted to have some sounds repeat from line to line so reading it has the same echoing feeling which I think is important to the vast emptiness of the darkness.

I had actually originally translated line 12 as "stirring in my neighborhood" but neighborhood makes me think of Desperate Housewives, which I would prefer not to associate with Rilke, although perhaps I am guilty of romanticizing his language. I also originally liked the word agitating, but it was too awkward in the line. Still I like the restlessness of "agitate." ...

Thanks Mona!

My biggest problem is that I was trying to preserve some of the resonance in the poem, which is originally rhymed. Although I'm not a stickler about it, I wanted to have some sounds repeat from line to line so reading it has the same echoing feeling which I think is important to the vast emptiness of the darkness.

I had actually originally translated line 12 as "stirring in my neighborhood" but neighborhood makes me think of Desperate Housewives, which I would prefer not to associate with Rilke, although perhaps I am guilty of romanticizing his language. I also originally liked the word agitating, but it was too awkward in the line. Still I like the restlessness of "agitate." "Coming closer" was an attempt to rhyme with "power" while still conveying the same meaning. I might be able to work with "environment" better. I would love the metric effect of rhyming a short word in line 11 with a long word in line 12, making the rhyme sort of sneak up on the reader.

I like the word "encompasses" but what is sie's errafft? I can't find those words in any of my dictionaries. (albeit, they were second rate ones bought in China) Are they compounds or colloquial?

Working on a second draft...

(Wow, isn't this useful? I should have thought of this before!)

My biggest problem is that I was trying to
preserve some of the resonance in the poem, which is originally rhymed.

yep, I understand. I've always shyed away from translating poetry for that very reason. But good on ya!

I had actually originally translated line 12 as "stirring in my
neighborhood" but neighborhood makes me think of Desperate Housewives

LOL! I've never watched Desperate Housewives so I didn't make that association. Hmmmm.... how about 'surroundings'? Mind you, I suppose you could keep your original line of "all around us". That works.

I would love the metric effect of rhyming a
short word in line 11 with a long word in line 12, making th...

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My biggest problem is that I was trying to
preserve some of the resonance in the poem, which is originally rhymed.

yep, I understand. I've always shyed away from translating poetry for that very reason. But good on ya!

I had actually originally translated line 12 as "stirring in my
neighborhood" but neighborhood makes me think of Desperate Housewives

LOL! I've never watched Desperate Housewives so I didn't make that association. Hmmmm.... how about 'surroundings'? Mind you, I suppose you could keep your original line of "all around us". That works.

I would love the metric effect of rhyming a
short word in line 11 with a long word in line 12, making the rhyme
sort of sneak up on the reader.

Agreed. That is a cool effect. Okay, convinced - you can keep "all around us". (imho, haha)

I like the word "encompasses"
but what is sie's errafft?

This is a tricky one. The verb errafen is certainly not colloquial. On the contrary. It's really not used much, even in writing. raffen, however, means to snatch up (greedily), to gather/grub/snatch....
So, by extension, erraffen is to successfully manage to grab a hold of. (It's no wonder you didn't find it in your dictinoaries - I don't think it has anything to do with them being second rate. These are the kinds of words I imagine you'd come across in a thesaurus rather than a bilingual dictionary). I chose encompasses because in my mind's eye I was picturing the darkness sneakign up on fire, animals and people "snatching" them up and taking over.

(Wow, isn't this useful? I should have thought of this before!)

I'm glad you did think of it now, though. Glad to help and certaionly love a linguistic challenge! The brainstorming is fun, too!

....on which not, i had another thought: in line 6 you might say "not a soul" rather than "no one". Wesen is a living being, human or otherwise.