Five minority members of congress and three Congrssional Pages were injured in the explosion. One page is said to remain on life support after one of Pelosi's eyeballs became lodged in his throat.

Plans for a State funeral are being debated in the temporary House Chambers located in the banquet room of a local DC strip club. The House Chaplain told reporters, "Due to the fact that Ms. Pelosi's body remains an Improvised Explosive Device, we may have to move her funeral to the mountains of West Virginia. After all," he continued, "Nobody gives a shit if West Virginia explodes."

She's one nasty bitch, that's for sure.