With the advent of a strange warming weather anomaly that is in no way attributable to human activity, polar bears are going the way of the dodo. Dependent on the Bush Administration doing something, anything at all, the bears are pretty much screwed beyond recognition. Officials have already said, "Fuck those dumbass bears, we ain't doing shit."

Another official, who we swear is in no way accepting bucketfuls of filthy money from the oil industry, said that drilling and blasting and massive oil spills and assorted industrial waste and noise pollution couldn't have possibly affected the bears' habitat. "Hell no. Shout out to Citgo," the official concluded.

President Bush has been skeptical of science. "I don't trust numbers. Or facts. Or conclusions. Or a method used to verify hypotheses. Or any kind of process," he said. He has rejected any attempt whatsoever to do anything remotely useful.