Peter Panford, a cult evangelist, killed in the mass suicide, wrote in a letter to In Seine News to give reason why this had happened. "Many of Michael's records had secret, sublime messages in them and could be clearly heard - especially if they were played backwards. Many fans who heard the records were programmed to self destruct when a star in the constellation of Orion (named after him, came into alignment with his star on Hollywood Boulevard." he wrote.

When news of his death broke late on Thursday night there was a significant drop in the world population, the likes of which have not been seen since the 'Great Ethiopian Solar Bear Epidemic of 1822' in which millions of Solar Bears were wiped out!

The Church of England is extremely concerned and Rowan Atkinson, the Archbishop of Canterbury has warned people not to do it. He pointed out that Jackson might be in heaven, - but only might be, (if he knocked on enough doors as a Jehovah's Witness). If not, he could equally be in