POSTMORTEM PREFERENCE:
Select transportation and packaging options for mortal remains in the very likely event of your passing:
PACKAGE 1: Fed-Ex Overnight, flag-draped casket & formal military funeral (ALL CAMERAS PROHIBITED)
PACKAGE 2: UPS 3rd Day Air, pine box, personal-style Presidential form letter, spot on FOX
PACKAGE 3: Parcel Post Freight, Old Glory-emblazoned Hefty bag, sparkler, used Toby Keith CD

Pursuant to Sub-Section 8, Paragraph C of Executive Branch Classified Directive #13334-P, dated 1 May 2004, the Armed Forces of the United States stand directed by President George W. Bush to accelerate preparations for compulsory induction of the adult non-homosexual population into active combat duty in the War Against Terror.

Henceforth, and in accordance with established Federal conscriptional provisions, all male and female citizens aged 16-45 must register for the impending draft. Each registrant's personal information will undergo rigorous computer analysis to compile a profile of overall physical, mental, and moral fitness prior to the issuing of orders to report for basic training.