"For example, were I not focusing on this crucial legislation, I would totally be porking some sexy, sexy ladies. No, really, I'm serious. I would be. Stop laughing", Waxman said.

Bill co-sponsor Edward Markey (D-MA) said that even if enacted into law, the bill allows a 9 month grace period for current virgins to change their sacrifice eligibility status.

"Easy for him to say," complained Kevin Warren, a 34-year old Green Bay Packer fanatic from Fon du Lac, Wisconsin. "You try getting laid with a foam rubber cheese hat, green face paint and Favre jersey."

Whether Warren and other Virgin-Americans have the clout to scuttle the bill remains to be seen. It is scheduled for Senate deliberations as soon as the House Sergeant-at-Arms can locate a crane powerful enough to move the entire document to the Senate chamber. If passed there, it is expected to be quickly signed into law by President Obama.

Presidential spokesman Robert Gibbs, himself a well-known virgin, sought to allay fears about the bill.

“Look, I know this bill has been the subject of wild rumors and speculation, but let’s all just sit back and see how it plays out,” said Gibbs. “The bottom line is that the virgin community has nothing to worry about. Believe me, if this thing passes, I promise everybody’s going to get screwed.”

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